For centuries, the other Elemental Schools mocked the Water Mages, saying they were only useful for running their baths and keeping their drinks cool. The Hydromancers bore these insults with a placid demeanor. They wielded a power too subtle and dangerous to be displayed openly. One day, their greatest prodigy lost her temper and set a single drop of water in an offending Earth Mage’s lungs. She demanded an apology while he gasped for air. The student was nearly expelled, but her elders had to admit the other three schools treated them with a good deal more respect after that.
When the pirate ship appeared, the crew prepared to repel boarders. The captain rubbed hands together solicitously and begged my assistance as a traveling mage. He couldn’t afford me, but I made an exception. As the ship drew alongside, a cry went up among the superstitious defenders. The derelict vessel was crawling with skeletal horrors! While the crew panicked, I looked for the necromancer. He was standing on the rotted forecastle, directing his puppets. I called forth a great wave and swamped the ship, knocking the pirates into the water. Undead pirates are terrible to behold, but skeletons can’t swim.
The personal assistant looked over her boss’s latest health report. She managed every aspect of the billionaire’s life, from his diet and exercise regime to making sure he received regular massages. Everything looked good, although he was starting to complain that he was gaining weight. She would say ‘nicely marbled.’ She made a mental note that, like her previous clients, he should have an accident soon. Death by adventure was common in his tax bracket: Helicopter crashes, skiing mishaps, sports car wrecks. And before she started looking for a new job, she would host one of her famous dinner parties.
The old lot had stood empty for years. It used to be a surviving patch of woods between the subdivisions, but the land was eventually cleared and leveled. But nothing was ever built on it. Some of the developers had financial or legal troubles, other purchasers just felt so uncomfortable on the land that they sold it off after an on-site inspection. The lot dreamed of haunted houses with shutters that creaked in the wind and porches that sagged like a disapproving frown. It could manage a mournful wail if the wind was just right. For now, the lot waited.
When the famous spy and cryptographer passed away, they found a book of handwritten notes in his kitchen. It was his last gift to the world. Codebreakers spent years poring over the notes online and arguing with each other about cyphers in forums, but couldn’t make heads or tails of the hidden meaning that was surely left in the text somewhere. When the world’s greatest cryptographers couldn’t solve the puzzle, they declared it a hoax. In truth, there was no hidden code in the notebook. The old man had merely wanted to share his award-winning scone recipes with the world.
When we bought the beach house, I regretted it right away. Every year, a little more of the beach eroded away. The debts and taxes just too much for us. I tried to sell it, but the market had dried up. When the house fell into the sea, it was almost a relief. “At least we won’t have to pay property taxes anymore,” I said. There was a knock at the door. A strange little man with overly large eyes stood hunched on the porch. He handed me a damp business card. “I’m the property assessor from Atlantis,” he explained.
DC Action News Hosted by Alex Jaffe Produced by Esper Quinn
The Skinny – “Reporting Bravely and Boldly every Wednesday as the news breaks from the center of the Multiverse.”
DC Action News is a great little podcast that sets out to do what it does, and is quick and clever. Formatted as a newscast, DC Comics loremaster Alex Jaffe essentially recaps the events of the current week’s DC comics. And if you just want a recap of this week’s comics issues, it’s great. But the real joy in the show is the clever twists he takes with the format, presenting the over-the-top comic book stories as serious real events. This ten-minute weekly mini-podcast is all about delivery. It’s the difference between a super-fan telling you about how a terrorist group lead by a super-intelligent psychic gorilla tired to steal the Moon and getting that story from Walter Cronkite. The show mostly focuses on the ‘prime’ Earth, the one that the comics usually take place in, but also features segments from ‘Absolute’ Alex Jaffe and other versions of the host from the various alternate realities that crop up in comics, and occasionally features additional interviews and cameos. The most recent episode, which lampshades the ‘Fifth Wednesday Phenomenon,’ in which for some reason almost no terrible events happen in the world on the fifth Wednesday of each month, is my favorite so far. Since the ‘news’ was light, the majority of the episode was dedicated to a Reporter on the Street segment which featured a bunch of delightful podcaster cameos answering the question: Does ACAB include Batman? DC Action News is published weekly. You can subscribe or listen to episodes at DCActionNews.com or through your podcatcher of choice. I highly recommend giving it a listen.
The old mystic lived in the swamp for so long that he became a legend to the villages surrounding villages, which avoided the deep swamp for fear of witches and monsters. They were no match for him. He had been a hero once, forced into hiding by the Dark Lord’s ascension. The spirits gave him a prophecy: He would train the hero would save the world, but only if he stayed hidden. The mystic felt the horrors inflicted by the Dark Lord’s armies, but told himself that it was necessary to wait. When the boy arrived, he was a disappointment.
Today is the first Saturday in May, which mean’s it’s Free Comic Book Day! Sponsored by beleaguered Comics publishing monopoly-holder Diamond Distribution, the event offers a variety of free comics to the public to bring them into local shops. Due to no longer being distributed by Diamond, it appears that DC Comics will not be taking part in the event, but there will still be plenty of books for sale, along with other events at your local shops. Here are some of the ones I’m most interested in this year:
Fantastic Four / X-Men – Marvel Comics I was never a big fan of the Fantastic Four. While I liked them alright, the pioneering family of superheroes always felt a little too stuck in the ’60s to me. But writer Ryan North and artist Humberto Ramos have been killing it in their monthly title, one of the few that I’m actually keeping up with these days. So I’m looking forward to their FCBD offering this year, especially paired with a new X-Men story from the writers of NYX, my favorite of the post-Krakoa X-Men titles. It may be marketing for upcoming MCU movies, but it’s top-shelf Big 2 comics, so I’m here for it.
Tower Dungeon & Issak – Kodansha These pair of samples from Kodansha both look really interesting. In Tower Dungeon, Sci-FI Manga creator Tsutomu Nihei turns his hand to a dungeon crawler-inspired Fantasy setting, and it looks like it will have his signature dark twist to the typical ‘Farm boy seeks his fortune’ narrative. Issak is an unusual Historical story from writer Shinji Makari and artist Double-S about a Samurai that finds himself in Europe during the Thirty Years War.
IDW Dark: Find Your New Fear – IDW IDW is launching a new horror imprint, and this FCBD sampler includes four previews of upcoming M-rated horror titles.
The event will also feature a ton of family-friendly content and tie ins for Archie, Spider-Man, Power Rangers, Star Wars, and more! The event helps bring the public to locally owned businesses, but the books aren’t free, so if you visit your local shop, be sure to support them with a purchase, too. Many stores will have special events with prizes, guest artists and writers, and more! You can find participating stores in your area, along with the list of this year’s books, at https://www.freecomicbookday.com/
The nest was high in the trees, hidden among the branches. I’d tracked the birds for weeks, and watched the birds make it. But I didn’t dare climb up for a closer look. These were no ordinary birds. I scattered black stones around the tree and said the command word. They projected an illusion of a dragon climbing the tree. Even a magical animal will run from a predator it can’t fight. I waited, eyes covered, until I heard two sets of wings taking flight. Climbing to the treetops, I found three gleaming cockatrice eggs waiting for me to sell.
Hugh J. O'Donnell 